Post Adoption Seminars
Join Bryan Post and 5 special guests in November

Dr. Bryan Post’s E-book

The Magic of Occupational Therapy for Children with Attachment Challenges and /or a Trauma History

In the next issue

Dr. Bryan Post’s E-book

Attached to this newsletter you will find a a brilliant e-book, not yet released, and free of charge right now, entitled

"Parenting Softly: Simple Guidance From Conception to Two - for Raising a Child who Laughs a Lot, Loves Big, and Learns Exceptionally"

“After reading Dr. Bryan Post's "Parenting Softly", I feel an overwhelming sense of empowerment and confidence when I respond to my baby's cries with my soothing presence, whatever that may be.  Despite sometimes feeling exhausted and overwhelmed parenting an infant, I feel even more excited about the amazing responsibility and influence I have to literally shape my baby's brain for his lifetime emotional health.  Dr. Post is brilliant at converting the often complicated brain research into simple and intuitive parenting practices, while debunking decades of harmful and fear based parenting practices.  

“Dr. Post empowers parents with the understanding and confidence to follow the love in their hearts.  After so many decades of damaging parenting myths and practices being promoted in the mainstream media, he empowers and frees parents to finally be able to meet their child's emotional needs so that children too, can be free to fully unfold into the emotionally healthy adults they were meant to be.” 

The Magic of Occupational Therapy for Children with Attachment Challenges and /or a Trauma History

Many parents seek psychological therapy services in order to improve their child’s symptoms (behaviors) stemming from early trauma and attachment challenges.  I explain to parents that in order for a child to attach, s/he must have at least some regulatory ability.  Regulation is our ability to calm and soothe the ups and downs of life.  It is our physical and emotional tolerance.  So instead of working on the “attachment”, we go for regulation first.  As I work with parents to reduce stress and increase emotional and physical regulation in their relationship with their child, and the environment, I highly recommend the use of occupational therapy to compliment the work we are doing. 

Children who have been neglected have not received the necessary sensory input that their brains needed in order to organize their nervous system in a way that provides regulation.  When a caregiver meets a baby’s needs over and over again, in a sensitive, responsive and attuned manner the regulatory system develops.  For the brain to properly develop, in addition to basic needs being met, a baby/young child must receive lots of rich sensory input directly from their caregivers through touch, holding, movement and swinging (as when a child is held in a sling while the parent moves about) rocking, and singing for example.  Children who have been physically or sexually abused have received sensory input that has been hurtful not only to their psyche, but to their bodies.  Their nervous systems may easily become over aroused through all the sensory stimulation in their environment and/or they may become triggered by even a gentle touch, parental request,  or a particular smell.  Many parents have attempted to “process” the trauma with their child through talking.  Unfortunately, talking is not going to reach the part of the brain where the trauma is stored.  Trauma is stored at a body level, rarely accessible through talking.  The OT works directly with the body to provide the child with the sensory experiences they need and/or to improve tolerance to the many sensory experiences encountered in the environment and in relationships.   In addition to children with trauma and attachment challenges, the OT is also particularly useful for children with chronic illnesses, pervasive developmental disorders, physical handicaps, or severe emotional/behavioral challenges.

An occupational therapist (OT) who specializes in sensory integration issues, can compliment any trauma and attachment informed therapy by working with the child to determine a “sensory diet” that will provide them with sensory activities that will help calm their bodies down.  OT’s can work to make their environment at home and school more “sensory safe” so that a child will be able to gain some regulation for relationship and for learning.    A good OT will not only work with the child, but will also work with the parents to teach them how to use various activities in their child’s sensory diet.  Parents can playfully provide sensory activities for their child to prepare for an important event, and then during the event to increase success, and afterwards to regroup.  Sensory activities can be used to help a child better cope with transitions, a typically difficult issue for most foster and adopted children, as well as many other children with a history of traumatic stress.  Research on the use of Occupational therapy indicates an improvement in behaviors and an increase in relational engagement (Roberts, King-Thomas and Lieberman, 2007), both of which will facilitate attachment and trauma focused work, as well as learning and overall development.  Occupation Therapy can be like good nutrition for your child’s body and brain. 

For Further Information check out the following information and resources:

http://www.ateachabout.com/

The Out of Synch child  by Carol Kranowitz and Lucy Jane Miller

The Out of Synch Child has Fun by Carol Kranowitz

Raising a Sensory Smart Child: The Definitive Handbook for Helping Your Child with Sensory Processing Issues, by Lindsey Biel and Nancy Peske

Davis, J.  (1999).  Effects of Trauma on Children: Occupational therapy to support recovery.
     Occupational Therapy International, 6, 126-142.

Local (Harrisburg, PA area) Resources:

Myndworks at www.myndworks.org

Therabilities at www.therabilities.com/

Early Intervention for PA               www.pde.state.pa.us/early_childhood/cwp/view.asp?A

Early Intervention for PA  www.pde.state.pa.us/early_childhood/cwp/view.asp?A

http://www.elc-pa.org/pubs/downloads/english/dis-ei%20under%20three%208-08.pdf

In the next issue

An article entitled, “Uhg…., My Partner Doesn’t Get it…. How Will This Ever Work?”

The addition of a “Recommended Reading” section that includes a brief overview of the book. 

A pre-recorded interview, by Dr. Bryan Post, with Pam Moran, on Attachment Parenting.

"Learning is the creation of relationship." Heather Forbes

WELCOME

Welcome to the launching of Center for Family Attachment and Healings’ Monthly Newsletter.  I am so excited and inspired to bring you information and resources for your own personal parenting journey.  It was not until I birthed my first child seven years ago, that I began to understand all that is involved in raising an emotionally healthy child, while also completing all the tasks of daily living, taking care of myself, finding time for my husband and dealing with my own issues, usually triggered, in fact, by my children and spouse.  My children have brought out more love, inspiration, passion and motivation than I could have ever imagined.  They have also brought out the worst in me….fear, anger, disappointment, and even rage.   I have seen parts of me that, in some ways, I would have preferred to keep down so deep that no- one, including myself, would ever see.  Amidst all of this, my children have been the catalyst to my own positive personal change and healing.  The more your buttons are pushed by those closest to you, and the more difficulties your children present you, the greater the gift of healing they will bring to you.    

Each monthly newsletter will include information and resources that will inspire and support you in your own parenting journey, including issues pertaining to:

·         Practicing an attachment style of parenting

·         Raising children with attachment challenges and/or trauma histories

·         Raising children with emotional/behavioral issues

·         Learning more about, or working towards, parenting for the long term goal of emotional health through an intentional, love-based paradigm

·         Working towards uncovering your authentic self, so that you can parent from a place of unconditional love and acceptance

This is just the beginning…. Please forward this newsletter to anyone else that you are thinking about as you read on.  In the future, I plan to provide inspirational and progressive free teleseminars, interviews, and other products on a wide range of issues for both biological and adoptive parents, on such issues as budgeting, physical and emotional health, alternative health, balancing the work of raising a family, intimacy with our partners, struggles with our partner, stress, trauma, breastfeeding, birth and post partum, taking care of oneself, and emotional healing.

It is my hope is that each of you will realize and bring forth, that parenting is not just about raising children, it is about raising ourselves… to higher consciousness, mindfulness, presence, our own healing, freedom, and the love that we bring all our relationships and the world in general. 

In love and relationship,

Pam

THOUGHTS ON PARENTING

When we think of attachment parenting, we often think of co-sleeping, extended breastfeeding, breastfeeding on demand, and baby wearing.  Attachment Parenting and these parenting practices are portrayed in the media as controversial, if presented at all.  However, attachment parenting is more a way of Being, and the practices often come naturally to those who are Being Attachment Parenting.  The practices simply enable parents to know their child well and thus, to better respond to their child’s cues.  A parent can breastfeed their child but be out of attunement with them, anxiously trying to feed them when they are not hungry.  A parent can attach their baby to themselves with a sling all day, but not bond with them.  A parent can sleep with their baby, but not appropriately respond to their cues. 

For those who practice Attachment Parenting, it is a given that we all intend to use gentle, respectful “discipline” and we can comfortably talk about the “controversial issues” above.  It is also a given that babies will be quickly responded to when they cry.  Beyond this however, parenting can look quite different, not because of practices, but because of how parents are being with their child. 

In working with parents for many years, and in moving from practicing Attachment Parenting to Being an Attachment Parent myself, I have heard parents say that Attachment Parenting “doesn’t work”, or that once the child turns 2 3 or 4 years old and can express their will in a physical manner, that attachment parenting no longer applies.  This is often when the pressure from relatives, friends, the school and society increases, particularly regarding the child’s behaviors. Parents wonder how they now “discipline” their child, teach them responsibility, set limits, and teach them to share and cooperate.  Other parents have commented that it requires too much or is just not possible for them.  This often has more to do with the parents own attachment history than anything else. 

Being an Attachment Parent As Children Age

Every child is unique and thus, Attachment Parenting is the best way to fully meet a child’s needs.  When we know our children on a deep level, we can read their cues, and respond in ways that meet their needs.  Regardless of where our children are developmentally, or whether their chronological age is that of their emotional age, our children will unfold into exactly who they were meant to be if only we can fully and respectfully meet their needs, and do not allow our own past pain and hurt to get in the way.  We trust that they are doing exactly what they need to be doing because they are doing it.   We don’t need to rely on society, the doctor, or even the therapist to receive information about our child.  We get our information directly from the source, our child.  Being Attachment Parent, we are following the cues of our child.  In a sense, we follow the will of the child, conscious avoiding imposing our own will on them, as is so prevalent in mainstream parenting models.   Our children try to develop as fast as they can, having more expectations of themselves than anyone else has for them.  By putting further pressure on them to develop according to our expectations will cause the child to lose trust in the parent and themselves, and increases their stress level.  We need to allow the child to instead, live up to their own expectations, not ours.  Being able to fully and respectfully meet a child’s needs, particularly for connection, is really the only way that they can move to the next stage of development. 

Getting Started

First, we must make the commitment to do so.  It is our commitment that will push us forward through our own “stuff” when things get tough… and things will get tough.  All children have “behaviors”.  Some have more challenging behaviors, due to attachment challenges and trauma histories.  In maintaining our commitment, we must care more about what our child thinks than what anyone else thinks.  We must trust our children more than anyone else.  We must trust that nature did not mess up. 

Beginning the Process of Self Awareness

We begin the process of self awareness so that we will not confuse our needs with that of our child’s.  Ask yourself what you have to do with the self to parent the way you want.  We can begin by using a process of “inquiry”, that Katie Byron refers to as “The Work” in her book Loving What Is. 

Write down Your Most Raw Thoughts About Your Child

Byron says, when you find yourself overwhelmed, become upset, frustrated, stressed out, angry, or unable to be with your child or their behaviors, you would write down all your most raw thoughts about your child.  Some examples might be, “he should listen to me”, “not be so needy”, “cooperate”, “obey me”, “do her chores”, “not hit his brother”, and, “she should not control me”. 

Are Your Thoughts Really “True”?

The next step in “The Work” is to go deep within yourself and ask if your thought(s) are really “true” and if needed, ask yourself, “Can I really know that it’s true”.  You often will find that your thoughts are not actually true, but merely your own story or self-talk, based on the messages you learned from others – from your own childhood, society, the media or from what was actually said to us as children.  Next, ask yourself how you act or how you BE with your child when you believe the thought.  You often will find that your thought or story causes you to disconnect from your child and you are unable to be the parent you want to be.  Remember that your thoughts are NOT who you are.  Your thoughts are what were created by people and things outside of yourself, usually stemming back from your own childhood, our society or the media.  Many people spend their lifetime obeying their angry, fearful thoughts. 

 How Might You BE Without Your Thoughts?

You can take it further by asking yourself how you would be without your story.  Your authentic self is always kind, unconditionally loving and gentle.  When we are angry, stressed or in a state of fear, we want to manipulate the child to change their behavior to fit our story, and our beliefs.  We try to reduce our stress so we won’t feel those upset feelings anymore.  Once we do “The Work”, we often find that it is in fact OUR story that is fueling our stress, and that our child is doing exactly what they should be doing based on their story.  We find that our child is always “right”.  It is our responsibility to identify our child’s needs that are fueling their behaviors, thus, allowing us to be with them in a way that they will no longer need the severe behaviors. 

Turn Your Thought Around to the Opposite

Healing From Your Own Childhood Hurts

For some parents, this process of inquiry will be enough to help them move into Being Attachment Parenting.  For others, whose struggle is much greater, this can be a cue to yourself that you may need to seek support in healing from your own childhood hurts.  Either way, your children, their “behaviors” and this process could be “turned around” from a nightmare situation to a true gift in helping you to return to your authentic self.    

John Bowlby, the Father of Attachment Theory, says we will parent just as we ourselves were parented.  It took years for me to fully understand this myself.   The understanding lies in the difference between doing and being.  Most parents will tell you that they are parenting completely different than their parents.  Unfortunately, they are referring to what they are doing, not how they are being with their children.  Seigel and Hartzel, in Parenting From the Inside Out, report that 55% of the adult population would be classified as having a Secure Attachment.  This leaves 45% that fall in the insecure attachment category.  They further report that within 3 months of a child’s birth or placement, the child’s attachment style will reflect that of his parents at a rate of 70%.  How our parents were Being with us, often dictates how we are being with our own children, no matter what parenting practices, or methods of discipline we are using.  We cannot give what we ourselves did not receive.  If we are not in the secure category, we have lots of hard emotional work to do to earn a secure attachment, so that we may provide it to our own children.  Ghandi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world”.  I say, “Be the change you wish to see in your children”.   

Bowlby, J. (1988).  A Secure Base: Parent-child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. 

Byron, Katie (2003).  Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life.

Seigel, Daniel J and Hartzell, Mary (2003),  Parenting from the Inside Out: How a Deeper Self-Understanding Can Help You Raise Children Who Thrive.    

Pam Moran, LSW is an attachment and trauma expert.  She specializes in working with parents to uncover their authentic selves so that they can be the parent they want to be and move from parenting for obedience to parenting for the long term goal of emotional health.  You can learn more about Pam and her work with parents at www.attachmentandhealing.com

Post Adoption Seminars

An estimated 60% of Americans have had a personal experience with adoption. November is National Adoption Awareness Month and a wonderful opportunity to understand the people whose lives are directly affected, for better or for worse, by adoption—maybe even your own.

Join Bryan Post and five special guests November 3, 8, 10, 17, and 24

You might be surprised what you learn. The first call was a 53 minute conversation with an expert on a neurological dysfunction common among adoptees and neglected children—"sensory integration dysfunction." This is a can’t-miss, EYE-OPENING session, especially if you know of a child who seems belligerently hypersensitive to touch, smell, taste, or light…or "out of sync" with their families or children their own age. If you missed it, it’s ok—you can still get an MP3 of the recording.

 The second call, on November 19^th  was an interview with Kevin Hofmann, the biracial son of a white mother and black father. Kevin was immediately placed in a foster home and adopted by a white Lutheran minister, his white wife, and their three white children. A life of black and white, radically fractured Detroit had no such thing as diverse neighborhoods. Rising from these struggles is an inspiring story of a transracial family who grew up in one of the most racially volatile cities in America and survived. Now married to his beautiful wife, Shilease with two sons of his own, he hopes to help encourage transracial families by sharing his experiences through humor and naked honesty.

There will be two other calls throughout the month, including Bryan Post sharing his personal story of adoption,  The struggle, the pain, the hope, the failures, and ultimately the love that saw him and his family through. 

Get the Recordings. If you can’t make the calls for some reason, register anyway and receive a recording of each call in MP3 format for listening at your convenience.

Click on this link to register for your free teleseminar

 http://www.postinstitute.com/adoption-awareness-month.html?cmd.php?=97329